7:16AM

It's 7:16AM, and I'm mentally smashing my head against the wall as I wonder "what the hell am I going to do with my life?" I mean REALLY I'm almost 17, but I have no idea what I want. I barely even have anything to live for.

SO I can't help but think: what's the point? What's my purpose in life? Do I even have one?

And then I yell at myself some mentally, cause homework is late, I have a week of class left, I'm STILL single, and I'm starting my period within the next week.

I'm too worried about what classes I still need to take in-order to graduate this time next year, and how I need to make ALL As to make up for the Fs in sophomore year. Then I think, what self-respecting college is gunna take my failing butt in anyways? Which also leads to the question of where am I going to apply anyways, and that reminds me again that I'm prob not going to be making those As cause I'm just going to screw up again and get F, C, B, and A grades again next year.

What's wrong with my life? Why am I so unmotivated?

I also think I should probably get a job soon... but I have a big anxiety about that. I'm nervous, what if no one wants to hire me? I don't have hardly any skill sets. What do I say in the interview? How the hell do I even fill out that application forum?

Well I should probably go do something productive now....

Random Things

The following are random facts about me/things i find interesting

Most Interesting War: Vietnamese War

Ugliest Color: Yellow

Most Interesting Religion to study: Buddhism, Taoism and Hinduism

Languages I Plan On Learning: Japanese, Korean, Vietnamese, Russian, French and Arabic

Political Views: Conservative... but mostly I just believe in reaffirming and reestablishing what the founding fathers of this country had originally setup... i think we need to take a few steps back and go back to our roots.

If I wasn't mormon... I'd be a buddist or some alternative new agey religion.

In another life I was a singer... and in another life I was an author.

I also was an olympic fencer.


I believe that there are moments in life that will define who you are. I think we all sorta= of have our own sets of interests and talents, but our lives go based on which ones we choose to expand, and at what time. I know I could have been an olympic fencer, I'm as sure of it as I am that my eyes are blue. I KNOW I could have been a great singer or musician, I'm as sure of it as I am in the air I breathe. Same goes for some other things in life.

People I Knew | Never Met

Just who can I trust?


there are
those people who you trust,
but don't trust


the ones you'd never betray,
wont even give a thought to you
----> when they stab you in the back ---->|


the ones you put on pedestal
only want to see you f

a

l

l


the ones whom you love|are simply lies
"I used to have that problem too"|'not really, but i want you to trust me'


the one you'd D I E for, is only pulling your strings
'would you R E A L L Y do that for me?' he'll challenge
and once you prove you're worth he'll R U N for the hills
because he can't S T A Y
when you mean N O T H I N G to him
and when you are H U R T now because of this
he'll just L A U G H and say "what else did you expect?"
and you can't lay B L A M E to anyone but you
because you S I N N E D and he didn't
and he'll say "I'm G U I L T L E S S unlike you"
and he's the one... in G O D S grace... undisgraced


then there are the righteous.. in my eyes at least
but really they're only liars and thief's


Then there's her...
I'd never met her before
never saw her face
yet she has power I don't
she bends and lies to them all
tells my secrets with twists

but,
"oh no she would never do that!"
if she isn't how come we hear her talking

"leave her out of this, she did nothing at all!"
really? I never mentioned anything to you about her..

"you're hurting her feelings, she never said anything!"
why is she so hurt, I haven't ever spoken to her!

"her brother is a liar"
my bffs brother is anything but!


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not meant to make a whole lot of sense. i'm sick, and tired and have a lot on my mind >> at 3 AM >> BLA!

Past

Sometimes I don't even know what my place on this planet is even for. What's my purpose? My calling? I have a general idea, but at the same time I feel as if I'm still floating in 9 different directions. I don't really like floating very much.



I have a lot of things I could regret, and very few I actually do. I guess I just don't believe in holding onto past things.



I've been through somethings, but mostly I've seen others go through stuff.

I've never been bipolar, but I know plenty of people who are.

I've felt as if I was crazy, questioned my own sanity.

I've experimented with homosexuality, and at one point I had no sexual feelings at all.

I've met schizophrenics.... I've also met druggies.

I've been mentally and physically abused.... to different degrees, by different people.

I've tried to commit suicide, and almost did 8 other times

I've met those who are desperate for death. Those when they have no knives they cut with plasic combs and toothbrushes

I've cheated. I've lied. I've deceived. I've hurt others with my own greed.

I've torn people apart mentally. Because that's all I used to know.

I've known anorexics, bulimics, and many others.

I've thrown up my own food once. Not because of weight, but because living wasn't worth it anymore.

I've contemplated running away since the age of 6.

I actually did run away once, in a numb blank mindlessness.

I know what it's like to physically feel nothing. To be emotionally be numb.

I've had panic attacks. I fear anger.

I've lost control of my own body before to something not quiet myself.

Whenever things got bad... in my mind... it wasn't me... I would never do those things. In my mind it's someone else, it's her taking over me. I'm not schizo though, it's just how it feels.



Of all the feelings etc I've felt I was never partial to denial, jealousy or backstabbing.
But jealousy would definitely define how i've felt lately.

So I keep my footlights shining bright....

I traveled though the atmosphere as a wall of feedback climbed
The pegs were gold, the band was old, they played in half time
Now every dream gets whittled down just like every fool gets wise
You will never reap of any seed deprived of sunlight

So I have become the Middleman
The gray areas are mine
The in-between, the absentee
Is a beautiful disguise

So I keep my footlights shining bright just like I keep my exits wide
'Cause I never know when it's time to go, it's too crowded now inside
The dead can hide beneath the ground and the birds can always fly
But the rest of us do what we must in constant compromise

So I have become the Middleman
The gray areas are fine
The "I don't know," the "maybe so"
Is the only real reply
It is the only true reply

- Maria Herr "Grey Areas"

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The Above is a poem which a friend of mine wrote about me awhile back, all I can say is that no one else has come closer to the truth of me.