Past

Sometimes I don't even know what my place on this planet is even for. What's my purpose? My calling? I have a general idea, but at the same time I feel as if I'm still floating in 9 different directions. I don't really like floating very much.



I have a lot of things I could regret, and very few I actually do. I guess I just don't believe in holding onto past things.



I've been through somethings, but mostly I've seen others go through stuff.

I've never been bipolar, but I know plenty of people who are.

I've felt as if I was crazy, questioned my own sanity.

I've experimented with homosexuality, and at one point I had no sexual feelings at all.

I've met schizophrenics.... I've also met druggies.

I've been mentally and physically abused.... to different degrees, by different people.

I've tried to commit suicide, and almost did 8 other times

I've met those who are desperate for death. Those when they have no knives they cut with plasic combs and toothbrushes

I've cheated. I've lied. I've deceived. I've hurt others with my own greed.

I've torn people apart mentally. Because that's all I used to know.

I've known anorexics, bulimics, and many others.

I've thrown up my own food once. Not because of weight, but because living wasn't worth it anymore.

I've contemplated running away since the age of 6.

I actually did run away once, in a numb blank mindlessness.

I know what it's like to physically feel nothing. To be emotionally be numb.

I've had panic attacks. I fear anger.

I've lost control of my own body before to something not quiet myself.

Whenever things got bad... in my mind... it wasn't me... I would never do those things. In my mind it's someone else, it's her taking over me. I'm not schizo though, it's just how it feels.



Of all the feelings etc I've felt I was never partial to denial, jealousy or backstabbing.
But jealousy would definitely define how i've felt lately.

So I keep my footlights shining bright....

I traveled though the atmosphere as a wall of feedback climbed
The pegs were gold, the band was old, they played in half time
Now every dream gets whittled down just like every fool gets wise
You will never reap of any seed deprived of sunlight

So I have become the Middleman
The gray areas are mine
The in-between, the absentee
Is a beautiful disguise

So I keep my footlights shining bright just like I keep my exits wide
'Cause I never know when it's time to go, it's too crowded now inside
The dead can hide beneath the ground and the birds can always fly
But the rest of us do what we must in constant compromise

So I have become the Middleman
The gray areas are fine
The "I don't know," the "maybe so"
Is the only real reply
It is the only true reply

- Maria Herr "Grey Areas"

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The Above is a poem which a friend of mine wrote about me awhile back, all I can say is that no one else has come closer to the truth of me.